How behaviour affects your life

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that behaviour affects every single aspect of your life, every day, from the moment you are born until you take your last breath?  For something that is so omnipresent, it is routinely misunderstood and definitely misinterpreted.

Behaviour, both your own and that of those around you, has an impact on

  • relationships,
  • physical and mental health,
  • choices,
  • habits,
  • success,
  • personality, and
  • overall satisfaction with life.

Stop for a minute and think about how your life could be improved if you had a better understanding of how behaviour works and could apply that knowledge to various aspects of your life.  Powerful stuff.

Behaviour is a cycle that is influenced by various factors, both intrinsic and extrinsic.  The relationship between influencing factors and your behaviour contributes significantly to how you experience life.  There are numerous factors that can influence behaviour and common ones include:

  • biological needs;
  • individual personality traits;
  • different environments where you spend time (home, work, school, etc.);
  • relationships including family, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.;
  • emotional needs; and
  • past behaviour.

While our day to day experiences are varied and can seem to have nothing in common, there is a shared thread woven throughout them and that is behaviour:  how we behave, how others behave, and how we react to behaviour.  Many of us spend too much time ruminating about how the behaviour of others affects our life but that is actually not as important as you might think.  There is much more power in understanding your own behaviour and how you react to behaviour.

Think about a behaviour that you would like to change or improve.  Now, instead of focusing on the behaviour you want to change, think about what happens right before that behaviour typically occurs and what happens right after that behaviour occurs.  The key to changing a behaviour is in understanding those two factors.  You don’t need to analyze the behaviour or contemplate where the behaviour originated and why.  Understanding those things might bring about comfort but it will never help you change.  Behaviour perseveres thanks to an environment that allows it to happen and consequences that make it likely to happen again.

We are heavily bombarded daily by other people’s behaviour, both good and bad.  Behaviour we like from others typically helps us to create better relationships with those people and contributes to our overall feelings of happiness.  Behaviour we don’t like can negatively tax our relationships as well as our own physical and mental health.  It doesn’t have to.  Instead of having a strong reaction to the behavior of others, think of it more as information.  This helps to remove or minimize an emotional reaction and encourage you to be more objective about the behaviour.  If it is appropriate, you can take that information and help set up the environment so that a more desirable behaviour in encouraged.  Or, you can simply acknowledge the information that behaviour has provided.  You do not always need to respond to the behaviour of others.  This is important so I am going to repeat it.  You do not always need to respond to the behaviour of others.

Behaviour affects every aspect of your life from big decisions to mundane daily activities.  If there are aspects of your life that you have struggled to change or improve, understanding how behaviour works is what will help.  While humans are great at over complicating behaviour, Kindred Connection breaks it down into information that is easy to understand and tools that are even easier to use.

To learn more about behaviour, click here for our free online course!  

Dogs and people are so alike

I have always thought that dogs and people are not that different from one another.  I never say this out loud because people do not enjoy being compared to dogs.  As I have learned more about both, I confidently stand by my original assessment.  Dogs and people: they are so alike!

Dogs and people learn the same way, through reinforcement of behaviours.  Both find it easier to learn and retain more information when they feel happy or relaxed.  When people and dogs are stressed or worried, their brains release chemicals like cortisol and adrenalin.  These chemicals can make it harder to learn and retain new information.  Our neurons work to create pathways in our brains that help us to do certain behaviours better, more quickly, and with less conscious thought.  The more we practice behaviours, the stronger these pathways become.  It works the same in people and dogs.

With this in mind, I do many things with my son the same way I do them with my dog.  I manage the environment to make sure it is safe and that there are options for engaging in desirable behaviours.  I strongly reinforce behaviours that I would like to see more.  Oh, and there are lots of tummy rubs and affection!  Kirsten knows how much I love using a target behaviour with dogs and one day she suggested I try the same thing with my son.  So, I did!

When my son was a toddler, I started by teaching him to target different body parts.  You’ve played this game with a baby a million times and I bet you didn’t realize you were teaching them to target.  Touch your nose!  Touch your tummy!  Touch your shoulder!  I also taught him to target things in the house and out in the real world.  Touch the door!  Touch the couch!  Touch Mom’s knee!  It was a great game no matter where we played it and it has countless applications and benefits.  Here are some of the ways I used it:

  • When I needed to keep slimy toddler hands out of his gorgeous blond locks, I asked him to touch his nose or chin while I cleaned off his hands.
  • Target was a great default behaviour for me to ask for when I found myself saying “no!” to everything.
  • When he was overwhelmed or terribly upset, I would quietly ask him to touch his nose, or his knees, or his ears.

Like I mentioned, I also used target in the environment.  This was a lifesaver in so many ways!  Here are some of the ways I used target:

  • When I needed to get something out of the oven, I would ask my son to run and touch the front door. This kept him away from the oven for the few seconds I needed to safely remove food and close the door.
  • I used target to get my son moving in the general direction we needed to go. Touch the bottom stair!  Touch the railing!  Touch the top stair!  Touch the bathroom door!
  • My son would always play in the snow while I shoveled but as soon as he started drifting towards the end of the driveway, I would ask him to touch the garage door or our front door.

Asking for a target has many benefits.

  • It is a way to foster connection.
  • It can be a super fun game to play instead of engaging in a power struggle.
  • It can help to calm a child down.
  • It gives a child a chance to experience a feeling of mastery.
  • It can be used to keep a child safe.
  • It helps a child to learn new words and understand directions.
  • It gives YOU something to default to when you’re tired, annoyed, or unsure of what else to do!

Another great way to use a target with your child is in parking lots.  You can put a sticker or magnet on the side of your car and teach your kiddo to target it while you are getting in and out of the car.  It is not a replacement for 100% parental supervision but it sure helps to increase the likelihood that your child will stay close to the car when you are loading bags or locking up.

One of my favorite ways to use target with my son was exactly the same way I use it with my dog:  in new situations.  New places and people can be really exciting and overwhelming for toddlers.  They might not always understand what is expected of them so they’ll throw out all kinds of behaviours while they try to figure it out.  Sometimes they’ll get it right but often they won’t.  I used target to help my son stay calm in new situations and give him a familiar behaviour to engage in while he got the lay of the land.  This helped him to have more confidence and be more willing to dive into the action instead of hanging back.

Think about your own household and let me know some more ways to use target with your kids.  For older children, you can use targeting to help them learn how to put away their boots properly or get their laundry in the basket every night.  Get creative and report back!

How to use science to improve behaviour

Kirsten recently sent me an article about how behavioural science might just turn out to be the most important science of all.

I read the article with wonder and some satisfaction, as I have long believed that behavioural science is definitely underutilized.  For many of us, science is something we enjoy the advantages of on the daily as we use electricity, take medicine, and surf the internet.  I would guess that most of us feel as though we are at arm’s length from science and don’t realize that we can actively apply scientific strategies in our relationships, at work, and at home.

Behavioural science examines how organisms, such as animals including humans, interact with the world around them.  It looks at more than just behaviour, though, because behaviour never occurs in isolation.  There is always something that happens right before a behaviour, an antecedent, and something that happens right after a behaviour, the consequence.

Antecedent Behaviour Consequence

When we begin to see that behaviour is affected by what happens before and afterward, we can start to learn ways to change behaviour.  If you are a dog owner or a parent, I can almost guarantee that at some point you have googled a behaviour issue that you want to improve or eliminate.  I can bet that you found pages and pages of search results promising techniques and solutions.  Some of them might have even worked!  But how many asked you to stop thinking about the behaviour and start thinking about the antecedent and the consequence?

The antecedent is what determines if a behaviour is going to occur.  The consequence is what determines if the behaviour will happen again in the future Most of the “solutions” you come across are generalized and do not take into account the highly personal antecedents and consequences affecting an individual’s behaviour.  Without addressing those factors, behavioural change will be difficult and it is not likely to be long lasting.

Determining the antecedent

The first step to addressing a behaviour is identifying when the behaviour is going to occur or what prompts the behaviour.  Antecedents can be anything from an event, action or circumstance.  It can be a location, change in activity, or a physical signal such as a having to go to the bathroom.  Antecedents can be identified by taking note of what happens right before the behaviour that you want to influence.

You can begin to affect change by modifying the antecedent or even eliminating it.  This information gives you the opportunity to arrange the environment so that it is more likely a desirable behaviour will occur.  A simple example of this is healthy eating.  If you are trying to eliminate an unhealthy afternoon snack, arrange your environment (your antecedent) so that there are no unhealthy options available and plenty of desirable healthy options available.  It is really that simple.

Understanding the consequence

The consequence of a behaviour determines if the behaviour will occur again in the future.  If the consequence was desirable, then it is likely you will see the behaviour again.  If the consequence was undesirable, then it is less likely that the behaviour will be repeated.  Consequences can be a tricky thing because they are highly personal and the true consequence can sometimes be difficult to identify.  For example, a child who is misbehaving may get yelled at by their parents but despite that being unpleasant, the child continues to repeat the behaviour.  How come?  Maybe the consequence that was meaningful to the child was the attention from their parents, which they definitely received.

It’s not really about the behaviour

Many of us spend way too much time worrying about behaviour (I’m so guilty of this!) and that rarely solves anything.  If you want to help someone, including yourself, improve or eliminate a behaviour then stop paying so much attention to the actual behaviour and figure out what is happening right before and right afterward.  The key to behavioural change is in the antecedent and the consequence.  This ABC Chart can help you track antecedents and consequences.

One easy way to improve anyone’s behaviour

When I was pregnant, I asked Kirsten to come and help us get our dogs ready for life with a baby. At the time, we had 2 beautiful rescue dogs and one of them was anxious. Kirsten came and gave us some great information as well as a few exercises that we could start doing with the dogs. Just as we were wrapping up our session, she said “Remember to notice and reinforce when the dogs are doing something right!” I rolled my eyes as I thought to myself “Really? I’m not worried about what they are doing right; I’m worried about everything they are doing wrong!” But because I love rules and instructions, I jotted everything down and started doing the exercises she had taught us.

It didn’t take long before I made 2 surprising observations:
1. My dogs didn’t spend nearly as much time doing “bad stuff” as I thought they did; and
2. The more I noticed and reinforced great behaviours, the more I got great behaviours.

It was really interesting to see that my dogs were actually good almost all of the time. I guess the bad behaviours just stuck out more because they were annoying/embarrassing/aggravating. Know what I mean? I spent so much time focusing on those behaviours that I was really missing out on all the awesome stuff they did.

The more I noticed the good behaviours, the easier it was for me to reinforce them. The frequency of these behaviours increased significantly. Even more interesting was that I was so wrapped up in focusing on the good stuff that I stopped paying any attention to other behaviours. Many of those behaviours actually extinguished themselves because I wasn’t paying attention to them anymore. Those behaviours simply stopped “working” for the dogs so the dogs stopped doing them.

Kirsten calls this little game of noticing all the good stuff “ISpy” and it is, hands down, one of the best things that I have ever learned to do. It is extremely effective in dog training and is pretty powerful in other relationships, too. Because I am human and flawed, I sometimes get annoyed and frustrated at my husband and son. Since I have yet to develop the capacity for infinite patience, I use ISpy to help me focus on the good. Instead of getting caught up in all the stuff that is driving me crazy, I try to think and talk more about what is going right. This inherently improves my relationships because my family spends more time hearing me talk about good stuff instead of hearing me be critical. Seriously. Try this.

Don’t you find that dog training (and people training!) tends to focus almost exclusively on the problem behaviours? I got caught up in that and forgot the simplest rule of behaviour: behaviours that are reinforced will be repeated. Start noticing the amount of effort you put into dealing with “problem” behaviours versus the amount of effort you put into noticing fantastic and appropriate behaviours. If I were a betting lady, I’d bet that considerably more attention is being paid to the exact behaviours you wish would go away. Pick a few great behaviours you want your dog* to do more and start to play I Spy with these behaviours today. You’ll be amazed at what happens!

*spouse, in laws, kid, neighbour, boss, co worker, whoever!