How behaviour affects your life

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that behaviour affects every single aspect of your life, every day, from the moment you are born until you take your last breath?  For something that is so omnipresent, it is routinely misunderstood and definitely misinterpreted.

Behaviour, both your own and that of those around you, has an impact on

  • relationships,
  • physical and mental health,
  • choices,
  • habits,
  • success,
  • personality, and
  • overall satisfaction with life.

Stop for a minute and think about how your life could be improved if you had a better understanding of how behaviour works and could apply that knowledge to various aspects of your life.  Powerful stuff.

Behaviour is a cycle that is influenced by various factors, both intrinsic and extrinsic.  The relationship between influencing factors and your behaviour contributes significantly to how you experience life.  There are numerous factors that can influence behaviour and common ones include:

  • biological needs;
  • individual personality traits;
  • different environments where you spend time (home, work, school, etc.);
  • relationships including family, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.;
  • emotional needs; and
  • past behaviour.

While our day to day experiences are varied and can seem to have nothing in common, there is a shared thread woven throughout them and that is behaviour:  how we behave, how others behave, and how we react to behaviour.  Many of us spend too much time ruminating about how the behaviour of others affects our life but that is actually not as important as you might think.  There is much more power in understanding your own behaviour and how you react to behaviour.

Think about a behaviour that you would like to change or improve.  Now, instead of focusing on the behaviour you want to change, think about what happens right before that behaviour typically occurs and what happens right after that behaviour occurs.  The key to changing a behaviour is in understanding those two factors.  You don’t need to analyze the behaviour or contemplate where the behaviour originated and why.  Understanding those things might bring about comfort but it will never help you change.  Behaviour perseveres thanks to an environment that allows it to happen and consequences that make it likely to happen again.

We are heavily bombarded daily by other people’s behaviour, both good and bad.  Behaviour we like from others typically helps us to create better relationships with those people and contributes to our overall feelings of happiness.  Behaviour we don’t like can negatively tax our relationships as well as our own physical and mental health.  It doesn’t have to.  Instead of having a strong reaction to the behavior of others, think of it more as information.  This helps to remove or minimize an emotional reaction and encourage you to be more objective about the behaviour.  If it is appropriate, you can take that information and help set up the environment so that a more desirable behaviour in encouraged.  Or, you can simply acknowledge the information that behaviour has provided.  You do not always need to respond to the behaviour of others.  This is important so I am going to repeat it.  You do not always need to respond to the behaviour of others.

Behaviour affects every aspect of your life from big decisions to mundane daily activities.  If there are aspects of your life that you have struggled to change or improve, understanding how behaviour works is what will help.  While humans are great at over complicating behaviour, Kindred Connection breaks it down into information that is easy to understand and tools that are even easier to use.

To learn more about behaviour, click here for our free online course!  

Punishment is a big pain in the butt

Punishment is a big pain in the butt.  Punishment, in scientific terms, is a word that describes a consequence that suppresses, reduces the frequency, or stops a behaviour from occurring again in the future.  It is future behaviour that determines if a consequence is punishing.  Does the behavior stop happening or reduce the frequency of occurring as a result of a consequence?  Yes – then the consequence has been punishing.  No – then the consequence may have been aversive but it was not punishing.

Based on the definition of punishment, here is why we think it is a huge pain in the butt.

  • Punishment must be repeated frequently to remind the learner to avoid their mistake and you have to be there to punish every single occurrence.
  • Punishment doesn’t teach the learner anything.
  • Learners with little confidence will wither.
  • With punishment, you can’t control what the learner learns.
  • Punishment can damage the relationship between punisher and the learner.
  • Punishment can accelerate aggression by suppressing all warning signs. For example, it can teach a dog to forgo looking away, moving away or growling and teach the dog to go right for the bite.

Punishment is actually a whole lot of work and has so much potential for going sideways.

Fortunately, Kindred Connection offers you an alternative; it’s called reinforcement of behaviours.  Combining management of the environment with reinforcement of good choices always equals a healthy, happy learner who is willing to work with you out of choice.

The best part?  There is no negative fall-out from using reinforcement to teach your happy learner.  Oh, and did we mention it is way more fun for you, too?

Positive reinforcement. . . Naturally

Everywhere you go, there is behaviour and learning.  You can find it at the shopping mall or in a nearby greenspace.  All creatures learn through behaviour.  They learn through what works and what doesn’t.  If a behaviour works (if something happens that the learner wants to have happen or that feels good for the learner) then the behaviour will happen again.

Consequences (C) drive behaviour (B).

Let’s talk birds.  Three small birds are alone in a nest high atop a tree.  Their disproportionately large mouths (in comparison to their heads) are open wide and they make enough noise to let the birds in the next neighbourhood know that they are hungry.

A large black bird swoops down with grace and starts dropping food into her babies’ open mouths.  Over and over this happens.  The small birds, now content, curl up tight under the mum’s feathers and sleep.

Those open mouths and screaming will surely happen again.  Why?  Because it worked.  When they open their mouths and scream, mum brings food.  Those small creatures are not thinking “hmm I’m hungry, if I scream she’ll feed me”.  Nope, they are physically uncomfortable (A), they scream (B), food is given and the discomfort goes away (C).

Now, how about foxes?  I have seen glorious footage of a fox leaping high into the air and diving down nose first into the deep snow.  When the fox comes up again, they have a mouse in their mouth.  They do not get the mouse every time, but they do succeed often enough that the behaviours of locating and leaping up and then plunging into the snow work.  And so these behaviours are repeated.

3 small bears roll around, play fighting, and running along a riverbank while their ever watchful mum fishes for lunch.  Very few people could look at this scene and not smile because you can see the pleasure in the body language of the bears and you can probably feel it as a memory from your past when you were playing with friends or siblings as a youngster.  So why do creatures play?  There are many theories on why animals play that we will not get into today, but I can say that the behaviour of play continues because it feels good.

Let’s say that one little bear gets a bit too rough with his sibling and bites too hard.  Ouch!  That hurt and play will end.  When play is not fun or when it doesn’t feel good, the behaviour of play will stop.  That doesn’t work out well for the little guy who took things a bit too far and so he learns inhibition in his play so that the others will continue to play with him.

Horses rub up against fencing, dogs roll and wiggle in the grass, bears rub their backs on trees and they do it again and again. Why?  Because it feels good: maybe it relieves an itch, loosens dust or fur. It is reinforcing.  It works as a good consequence for the learner and so the behaviours of rubbing, wiggling, and rolling continues.

ABC, learning theory, reinforcement may all be coming to the main stream with more and more people interested in learning about them but these are not new and no one came up with these ideas.  This learning sequence has been at work all around us, every day, all the time, since the first living creature took a breath on planet Earth.

Dogs and people are so alike

I have always thought that dogs and people are not that different from one another.  I never say this out loud because people do not enjoy being compared to dogs.  As I have learned more about both, I confidently stand by my original assessment.  Dogs and people: they are so alike!

Dogs and people learn the same way, through reinforcement of behaviours.  Both find it easier to learn and retain more information when they feel happy or relaxed.  When people and dogs are stressed or worried, their brains release chemicals like cortisol and adrenalin.  These chemicals can make it harder to learn and retain new information.  Our neurons work to create pathways in our brains that help us to do certain behaviours better, more quickly, and with less conscious thought.  The more we practice behaviours, the stronger these pathways become.  It works the same in people and dogs.

With this in mind, I do many things with my son the same way I do them with my dog.  I manage the environment to make sure it is safe and that there are options for engaging in desirable behaviours.  I strongly reinforce behaviours that I would like to see more.  Oh, and there are lots of tummy rubs and affection!  Kirsten knows how much I love using a target behaviour with dogs and one day she suggested I try the same thing with my son.  So, I did!

When my son was a toddler, I started by teaching him to target different body parts.  You’ve played this game with a baby a million times and I bet you didn’t realize you were teaching them to target.  Touch your nose!  Touch your tummy!  Touch your shoulder!  I also taught him to target things in the house and out in the real world.  Touch the door!  Touch the couch!  Touch Mom’s knee!  It was a great game no matter where we played it and it has countless applications and benefits.  Here are some of the ways I used it:

  • When I needed to keep slimy toddler hands out of his gorgeous blond locks, I asked him to touch his nose or chin while I cleaned off his hands.
  • Target was a great default behaviour for me to ask for when I found myself saying “no!” to everything.
  • When he was overwhelmed or terribly upset, I would quietly ask him to touch his nose, or his knees, or his ears.

Like I mentioned, I also used target in the environment.  This was a lifesaver in so many ways!  Here are some of the ways I used target:

  • When I needed to get something out of the oven, I would ask my son to run and touch the front door. This kept him away from the oven for the few seconds I needed to safely remove food and close the door.
  • I used target to get my son moving in the general direction we needed to go. Touch the bottom stair!  Touch the railing!  Touch the top stair!  Touch the bathroom door!
  • My son would always play in the snow while I shoveled but as soon as he started drifting towards the end of the driveway, I would ask him to touch the garage door or our front door.

Asking for a target has many benefits.

  • It is a way to foster connection.
  • It can be a super fun game to play instead of engaging in a power struggle.
  • It can help to calm a child down.
  • It gives a child a chance to experience a feeling of mastery.
  • It can be used to keep a child safe.
  • It helps a child to learn new words and understand directions.
  • It gives YOU something to default to when you’re tired, annoyed, or unsure of what else to do!

Another great way to use a target with your child is in parking lots.  You can put a sticker or magnet on the side of your car and teach your kiddo to target it while you are getting in and out of the car.  It is not a replacement for 100% parental supervision but it sure helps to increase the likelihood that your child will stay close to the car when you are loading bags or locking up.

One of my favorite ways to use target with my son was exactly the same way I use it with my dog:  in new situations.  New places and people can be really exciting and overwhelming for toddlers.  They might not always understand what is expected of them so they’ll throw out all kinds of behaviours while they try to figure it out.  Sometimes they’ll get it right but often they won’t.  I used target to help my son stay calm in new situations and give him a familiar behaviour to engage in while he got the lay of the land.  This helped him to have more confidence and be more willing to dive into the action instead of hanging back.

Think about your own household and let me know some more ways to use target with your kids.  For older children, you can use targeting to help them learn how to put away their boots properly or get their laundry in the basket every night.  Get creative and report back!